Cat Lady Status

So I know it's been awhile since I posted last... I wonder if anyone missed me! Haha...

Besides a lack of time due to getting a new job, I've also been lazy and going through a rough couple weeks.

The reason it's been rough all started when my College & Career Sunday School class decided to plan a trip to the beach for a bonfire night. And then the idea was added for everyone to think of and write down or bring an item in our lives that has been a hinderance to us in our Christian walks. So I started thinking about what my hindrance item would be. My automatic dramatic idea was to throw something big in the fire...but that was just being prideful and trying to show off... So I decided against that and earnestly started thinking about what was a hinderance in my life.

I honestly couldn't come up with anything that was hindering me, so I stopped thinking about it and figured I'd throw something together at the last minute if I even ended up being able to go. In true God fashion, I was SHOWN what my hinderance is, although it took me about two weeks to realize it.

My hinderance: loneliness/longing for a relationship.

That should have been the first thing that popped into my head because I know it's a struggle, but isn't it funny how we're blind to things? I went through two weeks of depression, reverting to some old, bad habits, obsessive wishful thinking, listening to more secular music then worship music, etc. I started obsessing over wanting a skinnier more fit body, prettier face, new hair, enough money for make-up and clothes... Anything that would make me better then what I am, because obviously how I am is what makes me alone, right? So if I become attractive then I won't be alone, right?

I couldn't be more wrong.

Because I started obsessing over all those things I started getting depressed and hopeless and nasty, lets call it like it was: I was being UGLY. Ugly comes from the INSIDE. So with all this ugliness inside came all the "I'm going to be alone forever, I'm going to die a miserable old lady  with a ton of pets, no one will ever care about me" (I'm pretty much dilusional at this point).

The last straw was today at church. I found out I can't even go to the bonfire cause I'll be working (shouldn't I be thankful for that??) Plus I was sick. I hate being sick. So I was a grump. In the afternoon for choir practice I was wearing a baggy black skirt, baggy teal t-shirt, and a baggy black sweater with cats and dogs all over it. I couldn't feel more ugly if I TRIED... Then to make matters worse, I was put in charge of the cutest little love offering to give to one of my friends by her admirer... SHOOT ME NOW. I was about to cry because of the jealousy and bitterness I felt at that moment. That was the ultimate #foreveralone moment in my life.

Now the good part! We had REALLY good sermons today, both I really needed to hear. And I hit the alter with an aching heart and I just cried out to God, finally realizing that this, this attitude I had about being single, THAT was my hinderance. And I needed to surrender it. So surrender I did. And I'm so glad I did! I feel like a weight has been lifted! But I know I need to be prayerfully careful too, because I know this struggle won't just disappear. I'm always going to hate being single, and I'm always going to want to be found by The One and be wooed and then get married and have kids and live realistically-happily-ever-after. But if I spend my time and energy being defined by God in the mean time, it's going to make that experience SO much better.

So. Patience, self-control, prayer, and self-worth are what I'm going to be working on. I'm actually glad this all came up because I DID learn from it. And I'm so thankful for the friends I have around me who put up with my dramatic outbursts of insanity. Seriously. So thankful.

Well... That pretty much ends my post. I feel like it was kind of random, but after all I AM sick and it IS after midnight... So that's as good as it's gettin'! I shall leave you with a picture of my "cat lady status" sweater. Enjoy!